Five common ways couples differ in their visions for retirement

Some couples entering retirement have conflicting visions of how to spend the next chapter, leading to squabbles or – in dire circumstances – divorce.

Susan Latremoille, co-founder of Next Chapter Lifestyle Advisors in Toronto, says spouses often assume they’re going to spend more time together and have the same priorities. “Killing those assumptions is the first step,” she says.

Thuy Lam, certified financial planner at Objective Financial Partners Inc. in Markham, Ont., encourages couples to share their retirement goals with one another to see which ones fit together. One positive thing, Ms. Lam says, is her clients seem aware of gaps, are proactive about discussing them and want to find compromises to work through their differences.

Ms. Latremoille says a common problem is some spouses don’t seek out help from a third party, which exacerbates conflicts.

“If both parties are willing to resolve their differences and work through the issues, then the marriage doesn’t have to end,” she says.

Here are five common sources of disagreement for couples in retirement.

1. Different retirement dates

Deciding not to retire together is common but spouses need to discuss their plans ahead of time. Ms. Latremoille finds different retirement dates often occur in cases when one spouse took a long career break to raise children before re-entering the workforce and now wants to keep working.

It’s possible to retire at different times, but Ms. Latremoille says both spouses need to communicate and understand their individual and joint needs. She adds some retirement assessment tools help examine a person’s psychological and emotional retirement readiness.

2. The role of grandparents

Grandchildren can be another sticking point for retiring couples. One spouse may envision a hands-on caregiving role, even moving closer to their adult children to serve as extra support, Ms. Latremoille says. But the other spouse may crave more freedom and independence at this stage of life and not want to raise children again.

“There can be some real difficulty in determining how much time they spend with grandchildren and how much time they spend alone as a couple,” she adds.

3. ‘Me’ versus ‘us’ time

Ms. Latremoille describes “me time” as what couples have been doing in their marriage before retiring – working and participating in their own individual activities. One spouse may have grown accustomed over decades to being in the home by themselves.

But when spouses retire, more “we time” kicks in. She calls the COVID-19 pandemic “the dress rehearsal for retirement” as lockdown restrictions forced spouses to spend more time in close proximity. Some couldn’t deal with the constant closeness, uncovered irreconcilable differences and ultimately divorced.

“Couples need to find the balance between how much time they want to do their own thing and how much time they want to spend together,” she says.

Take travel as an example. One spouse may want to travel frequently while the other may prefer to putter around the house and tend to the garden.

Blake Corey, president and senior financial planner at Venn Wealth Partners Inc. in Lethbridge, Alta., often sees one retired spouse vacation solo or with friends if their spouse prefers to remain at home. He notes it’s a great compromise, as each spouse gets what they desire.

“Spouses still travel but there’s way more interest in individual trips now,” he says.

In cases in which one spouse wants to be a snowbird for six months but the other is content with just a few weeks down south, Mr. Corey encourages clients to split the difference by trying out a snowbird lifestyle for a few months.

4. Sharing chores

With both spouses no longer working, Ms. Latremoille says revising household responsibilities might be necessary. If one spouse is still working, perhaps the retired spouse needs to pick up a few more tasks or outsource more of them.

“With retirement, there’s this upset of the traditional rules, and this division of chores or responsibilities can lead to misunderstanding and conflict,” she says.

5. Spending habits

A 2024 survey from Fidelity Investments found more than half of couples don’t agree on how much money they need to retire.

Mr. Corey says one spouse is often content with their level of savings and cash flow while the other is fearful the cost of living won’t allow them to maintain their quality of life and wants to investigate options such as downsizing. Since many couples have owned their house for decades, some are shocked to learn that downsizing isn’t the big money saver or source of funds they anticipated, especially if the desire is to stay in the same neighbourhood.

“When you downsize to cut that footprint in half, the replacement doesn’t necessarily cost half the price,” he says. Couples fail to factor in land transfer taxes, realtor fees, renovations and furniture needed for the new place, or even the high price tag for housing.

Ms. Lam says some couples hit a snag in providing financial help to their adult kids. That tends to be a priority for women, she says. Whether early inheritances can be accommodated depends on assets and the number of kids.

“We have to see how [giving] impacts their overall financial or retirement vision,” she says.